Monday, November 24, 2014

11 months

well, we've nearly arrived at a year of having this simon boy in our lives. how was there a time that we never had him or never knew him? he is joy. I wrote a dear friend in my program this past week who is concerned with the same thoughts that consumed me before we had simon. how would I fulfill the academic aspirations I had while still pursuing the aspirations I had of being a mother? could I have both and not have one or the other suffer? first of all, I know myself and I am very much not a multi-tasker. I mean, if "easily distracted" was a dictionary entry, you would find me there. with this master's thesis, I haaaave to be on campus/in the library to write and research. phil has his classes and research too, so it's been an interesting balancing act over these past eleven months passing the baby baton. and, when I am at home, I just want to be simon's mom, you know? and, I've just struggled with doing anything else besides taking care of him and our home while I'm with him and phil at home.

this is some of what I wrote my friend. as you read I hope you realize that, of course, EVERYONE is different. everyone has the choice to approach the course of their life as they see fit and best for them and for their situation and for the goals/dreams that they desire to achieve. some people can make certain things work great that others may not be able to. some have opportunities that others don't and choices to make that others don't have. in the end, we have to choose from what we have, what is right for us, and what will bring us lasting happiness.

"And, yeah, the whole PhD thing and having babies? I'm not sure what to tell you other than how I've dealt with it and the thought of not doing more graduate studies immediately after this year. We considered this in depth and the question that we have most prominent in our minds is how would Phil and I have Simon and more children, maintain healthy relationships with each other and them, and both be in PhD programs at the same time? We have decided that it just can't be this way right now. Pursuing Phil's career path and my desire to be a mother above all, even if it may sometimes lack in scintillating conversation, fascinating coursework, and distinction, is what we feel best moving forward with. I want to teach our children French. Simon understands "mange," "c'est fini," "ne touche pas," "salut" and "on doit changer ta couche" and, for me and for this season of life, I think that this endeavor is the most important to me: being with and teaching my children. I can still read. I can still listen to books. I can still find interesting people (and hopefully French speakers!) to talk with wherever we go. I can even teach a little or tutor in our home. Also, once the children are old enough and Phil is settled in a job, I can and want to pursue more education and/or teach more regularly. I'm grateful that Phil supports me in anything I'd like to do, and I suppose that, in the end, it is up to me to be as active in learning and progressing as possible until I do pursue a higher degree. In the meantime, I still have lots and lots to learn. 
There I go gambling too. Sorry if none of that makes sense. For now, I am satisfied with a MA degree, and in the future a PhD is a route I want to take, but that season of life is afar off at the moment and I am okay with that. I'm okay knowing that I sacrifice that for something I want so much more.

 anyway these things have been on my mind, but what I really intended for this post was to put up some photos that I took from this past week. they have become some of my favorites of sweet simon.
^^the squeezable cheeks and double chin and little pink lips and rounded nose and focused eyes. everything in this image makes my heart burst!
^^I love this blurry one which just shows how much simon moves these days (so many blurry photos!) and how curious he is about the things around him (eg: the canon). plus, the double chin and the "I want to touch that sooo bad" expression is so funny to me.

^^I love this sleeping one and how he still needs/likes to be swaddled for his two daily naps. we were given this donated fleece blanket from shriner's and it's so big and warm - perfect for swaddling his chunky self. also, the binky mark around his mouth? yeah, he still prefers his 3-6 month binkie over any other. we actually had three other identical ones that are now all lost and this is the last one we have. finger's crossed that this one doesn't find his place in the oblivion of his brother and sister pacis

^^ I love this bum shot just because he's got a cute, diapered derrière.
^^and, this last one? those sweet eyes and the post-bath combed hair? he's my bald, old man baby! when I see his face like this I think that I am beginning to understand more and more what it is like to have a mother's unconditional love because I feel something so strong for this boy.

1 comment:

  1. Once again, I am touched by you and your "power of the word" Laurel! Simon is so big and almost one year old, they grow up so quickly. What a sweet blessing in your life and so worth every minute devoted to being a mommy. And ~ Happy Birthday!!