Tuesday, September 2, 2014

on september

there is a feeling to september that I both dread and embrace. though weeks away from the official start of autumn, the first day of september always feels like summer has died. like, overnight from the 31st to the 1st, the leaves turn from green to yellow and begin falling in grand spurts, and the air feels cooler and summer is like, "well, I give up." you know, kinda how I feel when it's been one of those days and I decide that mcdonalds is a quality choice for dinner. but, then of course, the heat persists and I end up pulling out those sweaters I packed up in april (and then unpacked because april is too early for utah to stay true to any warmth) and wearing them outside (because "it's fall"). by midday, my dignity has sweated itself out through every layer I haven't yet peeled off and it's time to pack them up again until october. der, laurel, that's when you actually need the sweaters. it's so difficult to be me.

but, september, still, it's different. (so many commas there -- I'm killing you grammar nazis). nights are cooler, we wean ourselves off the air conditioning and opt to open the windows, we actually use our comforter (instead of kicking it to the floor at 2am in a moment of overheated sleep), waking up at 6 means waking up to the dark (and then going back to bed because who really needs showers. please.), and there's a particular sensation of newness.  I can't quite explain it. in years past it has meant new jeans, new sneakers from payless, new spiral ring notebooks, new lisa frank pencils (don't lie. you loved those unicorns.), new elmer's glue sticks, and new jump rope goals for recess. now it's new semesters, new classes, new experiences, new people, new progress, the not-so-new frustration of trying to cross campus on tuesdays at 11:55, new expansion and growing, and renewed dedication. 

I love new school years. I am afraid of new school years. am I competent enough? am I going to be a good teacher? are the students going to like me? will my professors like me? do I have what it takes to do well? mostly, I think I am just afraid to rub away the skin of summer ease. I've been lazy and watched a few too many episodes of forensic files (word to the wise: maybe not the best idea to watch these at night...) and now I have to wake up early, plan lessons, crunch out research in the library, and be, you know, academically responsible on top of being responsible in so many other areas.

but, I love it. I love september and school years starting and autumn and that fabulous morning chill outside that brings the blanket tighter around our shoulders. I love seeing progress that comes from putting in efforts to research and write. I love teaching, the groove I get into with the students and the material. I love the laughs we have in class and the bond we create one day at a time. just this morning, on the first day, we were all laughing together because of some silly gesture I made to explain what "un enfant perdu" means. I love meeting goals and feeling more and more accomplished in what I study.

so, thanks for always making me uncomfortable and afraid and excited and sad and glad, september. this may be the last time in a while that we'll encounter each other in this way, but I think you'll always be one of my favorites.

1 comment:

  1. I just love how you think, write and feel, Laurel! September has always been one of my favorite months!!